Why boldly being yourself will earn you a win in the long run.
AVOID THE PROBLEMS OF THE "SUGAR RUSH" LOVE LIFESTYLE
If you're looking for a long-lasting, deeply satisfying relationship, then you'll need to carefully invest in it using wise principles. God (or a higher power, or chance, whatever you will) might bring you a good match without you having to do much, but you'll want to make sure that you've got the skills and the wisdom to take full advantage of the opportunity. You'll need to use a different strategy to attract a life partner than you would if you're just looking to get your needs for connection and love temporarily met.
If you're not interested in a long-term relationship, then by all means, people-please away. As when you eat a sugary item, you'll have that sugar rush, that high, but pretty soon you'll crash, and you'll crave the next sugary item to give another rush. If you eat like that a lot, it will take its toll on your body and your overall health will suffer, and you'll live a life of cravings and roller coaster rides. If approaching relationships in the same way suits you, your desired lifestyle, and your life goals, then have at it and be happy.
But know that changing or hiding parts of yourself to suit, please, or win the approval of others will cause issues inside you and between you and your partner, such as feelings of betrayal and self-betrayal, trust issues, resentment, feeling used/unseen/unheard, more incompatibility (mismatched needs/wants) than one or both of you bargained for, and more conflict. Things will be great for a while (the sugar rush), but the high will wear off, the truth of who you really are and what you really want will be revealed (the crash sets in), and you'll both probably prefer to move on to the next rush when your eyes are finally open to how incompatible you are. And it will probably be pretty painful and disheartening.
For those wanting to play the long-term game and have a deep, satisfying relationship, it's important to note that even when you're intentional and careful about attracting and selecting a good-fit partner, chances are still good that you'll still have lots of incompatibilities.
"Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration." - Gordon B. Hinckley, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Marriage experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman in their studies concluded that about 67% of conflicts/incompatibility in marriage cannot be resolved and must simply be managed by the couple. How would you like that number to be higher because you fell in love with someone you actually aren't very compatible/satisifed with? On the other hand, how would you like that number to be lower because you fell in love with someone you're very compatible with because you were wiser and more aware than the average person and committed yourself to greater authenticity and courage?
"Needs are the lifeblood of relationships. When needs don't get met, the relationship can't survive." - Thais Gibson, IAT Relationship Coach
DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR NEEDS AND VALUES TO FORM RELATIONSHIPS
When we refuse to people-please new people we meet, they get to see us for who we really are. Some of them will not like us, will misunderstand us, and will reject us as potential mates. This is a good thing! Successful personal and professional long-term relationships are built on healthy interdependence in which two people are willing and able to be responsible to meet their own needs AND to *help* meet each other's needs.
Needs and values are inseparably connected. We need what we value. Living according to our values is what brings each person true happiness. When we form relationships with people whose highest needs/values are incompatible or in opposition with our highest needs/values, it can be pretty hard to find that sweet spot in our compromises in which both partners are adequately satisfied.
For example, Fred is a man with a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style who values his independence, space, and time spent by himself. He needs marriage conditions in which he can feel free in order to be happy - he feels trapped, cramped, pressured, and stifled by too much togetherness or commitment. On the other hand, his wife Frieda has an anxious/preoccupied (AP) attachment style, and she, prioritizes closeness and quality time over alone time. She needs conditions in which she gets to be with her loved ones often in order to be happy - too much alone time, separation, and lack of quality conversation between Fred and her causes her to feel alone, unheard, and undervalued. If Fred pulls away, it triggers Frieda and she reaches out to him, only for him to feel triggered and pull away more, and Frieda is triggered again in turn. From this example, we can see that to be in love with someone whose values and needs aren't compatible with ours can be challenging.
THE POWER OF AUTHENTICITY AND COURAGE
When you live according to your values, you will feel like yourself. You will be able to respect yourself, trust yourself, and feel free. It's a satisfying feeling. Other people, too, will see and benefit from your inner rays of happiness and security. That light of emotional health will be a very attractive thing, and others will be drawn to it.
When you meet people, let them see who you really are. Communicate your true needs without minimizing them. Stand up for what you believe in. Express your opinions and preferences. Disagree with people and say no sometimes. Set and enforce boundaries that you're comfortable with. Know what you want and go for it!
It takes courage to live authentically. As previously stated, others will misunderstand you and perceive you through the lenses of their own past experiences. You will get misjudged and rejected, but it's not your job to fix the problems going on inside other people. It is your job to be your authentic self and to practice healthy relationship skills. As long as you do that, the right people will see and understand the real you and will stick with you, and the wrong-for-you people will have their own experiences in life that will give them opportunity to become wiser and to learn the error of their misperceptions, and you will have the tools to interact with those people within the safe framework of healthy boundaries.
So have at it! Feel free to be yourself! Ponder what you value and what your needs are, and organize your life around them, and live wholeheartedly. Let your light shine and enjoy the higher quality of life that comes with living courageously authentic.
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