I've spent so much of my life trying to say and do just the right thing so that others wouldn't misunderstand or reject me, and so I wouldn't lose opportunities and resources.
Fear and shame were my most trusted advisors. When those emotions came up, no other wants or needs mattered. Fear and shame were there to protect me, and I wanted safety above all. I depended on their counsel, and I acted accordingly. Automatically. Unconsciously.
But now I've learned a new way of life. I live by my values instead (taught to me by God). Courage, authenticity, honor, wisdom, compassion, etc. They are my primary advisors now (since God doesn't grant me clear spiritual impressions or guidance, or awareness thereof).
When I go to make a decision, I ask myself, "What do I want to do? Would it be wise? Would it be honorable/respectable? Would it be true to who I want to be and to what I believe in? Is it kind/gentle to myself and/or to others?"
Fear and shame still try to advise me. "But if you do it that way, you might get misunderstood and misjudged and then rejected and miss out on what you wanted! And that could indirectly hurt your children! Come on now, don't you wanna be a good mom? 'No success can compensate for failure in the home.' Don't risk it!"
I've learned to view my inner conflict the way I think God would view it. Like a wise, fair judge, He would take time to listen to the conflicting parts of me. He would objectively and carefully listen to each of them, acknowledging the innocence and value of their individual motives and concerns. He would be curious and inquisitive. Investigative. Then He would make a wise, fair, compassionate ruling and expect that the injunction be obeyed. And if new information should arise that calls into question the rightness of the judgment, then He would be willing to reconsider the case and make adjustments to the ruling.
I have learned to be a wise, inquisitive judge of my various parts. I don't hate any of my parts anymore. All of my parts are there for good reason. Shame and fear only want to keep me safe and connected. But they usually propose inferior methods of keeping me safe, and so it isn't good for me to follow their counsel so automatically.
No longer will I let myself unquestioningly obey the voices of shame and fear. I will do instead what makes me feel happy and fulfilled overall, though it means that temporarily I will miss out on some good things. People DO misunderstand me. I DO lose opportunities. But I'm finding that I also gain opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And I'm finding that it's bearable that not everyone likes me due to misunderstandings. It's uncomfortable and even really, really sad sometimes. So sad that it’s easier to feel angry instead. Yes. But for me, it feels even worse to not be true to myself. I want to live courageously and authentically.
What I want more than anything is to be free. Free to speak life. Free to inhale and exhale health. Free to embody my values. Free from excess pain and concern. Free to live as I see fit. Free to be myself.
I don't get to be pain-free due to my other life challenges, but because of the conscious mindset shift I’ve made, at least I go through life with the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing the best that I know how to do. And I like myself, even when I'm getting F's in this school of life. I trust myself. Being able to trust in myself is everything.
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