Worried you're abusive?

There is hope, compassion, & help for the sincere person who doesn't want to mistreat others.

FIRST, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Thank you so much for being willing to consider this issue! It takes courage and good-heartedness to be willing to face our demons and to want to do better. I see your goodness, and I honor you.

You are not alone! Many people wish they could do better but don't know how, and they believe that if they sought help, they would get judged, punished, and rejected rather than loved and helped. They think that things would only get worse, and so they suffer with their guilt and shame in silence. But it doesn't have to be that way!

WHY DO WE USE ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS?

All of us are just trying to get our needs met. We all want to feel in control, safe, powerful, valued, esteemed, accepted, and happy. We want to experience pleasure, fun, and excitement, and to avoid pain, sorrow, and entrapment.

Some of us were taught healthy ways of getting our needs met and had those teachings modeled for us. Some of us were taught unhealthy ways and had unhealthy ways modeled to us. All of us find the unhealthy ways tempting to some extent, and we all have varying abilities to resist those temptations. Some people, through no fault of their own, were raised to be very likely to abuse.

"Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings." - Lundy Bancroft, abuse expert

HOW CAN I STOP USING ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS?

1. Hope - Start with the hope and the wish that you can change your behavior (because you can!). Let that desire grow within you and don't let go of it! Hold on for dear life! Do your best to believe that you really are a good person and can create lasting change - your past doesn't have to define you anymore.

2. Get help - Have the courage to get help. We are not meant to change on our own - humans are inherently social creatures. Involve a third party: your higher power, or someone or something that can help you question the morality and healthiness of your attitudes and behaviors, such as a counselor, a 12-step program, or a self-help book.

3. Learn about and talk about shame & guilt - You need to know and feel that you are inherently a good person who is worthy of love and belonging, and that you are not alone in this struggle! Brené Brown has an excellent book on overcoming shame and guilt: "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I Am Enough.'"

4. Work - Find and confront these common abusive elements that are probably living in your thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes to some extent. (A trained professional would be really, really helpful!) Usually it's not our fault that we acquired these elements. We are more innocent than we realize! But we all must take responsibility for replacing these unhealthy characteristics with health- and happiness-giving ones if we want a higher quality of life.

   1. Entitlement

   2. Excuses/Justifications

   3. Objectification of other people

   4. Blaming others

   5. Control

   6. Apathy toward others' feelings/needs

   7. Overvaluing ease

   8. Avoidance

   9. Fear of being awake to how much pain you've caused

5. Cultivate - Nurture these positive traits within yourself.

   1. Self-esteem! Believe that you are an inherently good person worthy of love and belonging and capable of lasting change!

   2. Gratitude

   3. Personal responsibility

   4. Self-awareness

   5. Self-control

   6. Empathy & consideration

   7. The value of hard emotional work

   8. Courage

6. Trust - Believe that you are worth it! Believe that your loved ones are worth it! Believe that your life will be better because of your attention to this issue, and also that you will give the gift of peace and healing to those you care about and who care about you. Your self-respect will increase, and you will feel pleased and satisfied with yourself when you look back at where you were and see what a difference you've made and how far you've come.

Note: The book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft may be instructive for understanding abusive behavior, even though it's not really geared toward people trying to overcome their own abusive behavior.